The Telephone

To come away a bit from the past, and rather shed some light on what makes my life so different, I'll start with the one big Aspie-feature. It's one of my biggest problems all through my life, next to not being able to stand close contact. But the contact thing kind of runs in the family, so nobody thought it was too weird.
But the telephone always stood out.
I cannot really explain why I am so terribly scared of it, but I certainly am. Just like almost all Aspies.
Knowing I have to make a certain call will give me nightmares for weeks.
Last year I was supposed to call a man who was supposed to repair my heaters. That took me three months.
What I can say is, that I don't hear properly on the phone. In real life I have no problems in that regard.
Let me give an example: as I was trying to get an appointment for my diagnosis, and when I couldn't get the renowned specialist on the phone, I called up the university hospital, which also has an Asperger consultation office.
I searched for that on Google, and called the number that got brought up.
Somebody answered the phone, and so I asked if it was possible to get an appointment for an Asperger's diagnosis.
The lady was thrown for a loop, and asked "What?"
So I repeated my inquiry, but no good. The lady had no idea what "Asperger's" is.
I thought it was real strange for an Asperger's consultation place to not know anything about it.
During all those misunderstandings the lady kept saying things. I wasn't talking into her words or anything. I did listen. But I didn't hear the words that I had reached the dentists office.
She had to repeat that several times, until I had finally heard it.

Answering machines are even worse.
Like I have said before, I have a friend in Texas, and I Skype pretty much every night with him.
And in case he is out doing his shopping or something, he has set his Skype to forward my call to his mobile phone.
And still, after all these years, it scares me out of my head when the forwarding tone starts. I cannot help myself. I lung for my "close call" button, my heart beating all the way up in my throat.

Back then, when I was way younger, people often suggested that it would probably be a lot better for me, if I had the option to video call, thinking that I only was scared because I didn't see whom I was talking with.
But since I have that extensive knowledge of constant skyping, I can honestly say no.
We, my friend and I, had a little bit of a rough beginning, because I loathed being in the video, plus there often was an echo, which let me hear my own voice, which scares me bonkers. But after a while it has become just the same normal, like it had been way back then, telephoning with my best friend for hours and hours.
It seems that I can use the phone fine, when I have a certain rapport with the person I am phoning with. A good knowledge of what is meant by what, and what the reactions will be.
My friend at times let me talk to his neighbor, or his niece who used to live with him. And what can I say, even though my English is quite good, I never could understand what they were saying.

So. I hate to use the phone.

And what makes it real bad is when people have those idiot "please hold the line" tape recordings going.
Those rile me bonkers. Especially when I have to call up the authorities who see to my support. They never just pick up the phone. One always has to listen to a recording at least once.
And when one gets into the holding system, they tell one every few seconds that no one is available to answer the call, one should please exercise some patience.
Really, exercising the patience until somebody answers is no problem at all. But hearing the idiot message every few seconds, like I'm some kind of weirdo with a zero short term memory...
It's terrible! And inbetween they play some terrible music, which I just know will stay in my head for at least the rest of the day, getting replayed in the same endless loop of terror.
And I just cannot escape.
Because of my telephone-connected hearing problems, the volume always has to be dialed all the way up in my phone. So, no matter how far away I hold the receiver, my ears get penetrated. And of course I cannot just leave the room, because I am waiting for somebody to answer my call.
So, if this takes more than just maybe a minute, I quickly go into "sensory overload".
It totally rubs me the wrong way, and builds up an incredible pressure, somewhere around my breast bone.
And when that happens, I soon have to start to yell, to let go of that pressure.
Well, while the loop is still running, I'm pretty free to say what I want. But if the whole thing takes too long, I just cannot get out of it. And when I then get forwarded on, or whatever, I find myself yelling at the people I talk to.
I don't want that. One doesn't yell at people. And of course it isn't helpful at all, when one needs to get a problem solved.

But that is one of the facts of Asperger's: stress piles upon stress. It doesn't go away because "one takes a deep breath" or something.

Around the same time I have tried to get a diagnosis, I also learned that I apparently was no client anymore at the place where I get my money from.
So I picked up the phone, and tried to find out what was going on.
I started calling one place, got through the loop of terror, but got forwarded to somebody else, who again was not the proper person, put me back into the loop...
The thing is: the more stressed I am, the lesser I am able to formulate proper sentences.
I more and more had trouble to say what I want, and more and more often got forwarded, and so I started to hyperventilate.
The end was that I couldn't speak at all anymore. Just gasp some short syllables. I had to give up on trying to find out, but rather call the Red Cross, and get somebody to help.

People usually think we Aspies have poor self control, and had bad upbringing and just pitch tantrums so we get our way.
But those sensory overloads are so much more.
It's not us. Something huge takes control, and just drags us along.

I once tried surfing in California, and got nearly drowned by a wave I had completely misunderestimated. The way I came out of the water, near suffocated, hurting, beaten-up, bushed, trembling from the effort to survive, felt very much the same like after one of those sensory overload occasions.
It is no fun.

P.S.: here is where the good of the diagnosis comes in.
I have since then made some calls, and had said right up front that people please bear with me, I am Aspie, and have troubles talking on the phone.
And it is just amazing! People are usually very helpful. And they see that they don't forward me unnecessarily.
It's a difference like between day and night.
In only a couple of weeks I managed to get a couple of things done.