A stressful year

Wow, it's been quite some time since I have been here last.

I'm ashamed to say it, but I am stressed to the max because I'm getting a new kitchen.
Well, it isn't all just the kitchen.
This year has been one stress after the other.
Once I knew that I have Asperger's, I knew I had to get some things adjusted.
So I applied for a carer, somebody who can help me with my mail, and all those official things that all are a mess with me.
First I had a woman from the Red Cross coming in in February in an emergency kind of way, because the authorities I'm getting my money from were of the opinion I had to move into a smaller apartment, once my children had moved out, and got me into a box. Because I am in a wheelchair, finding a small apartment that fits my needs is near impossible, but it also was impossible for me to get that fact across to them.
So, to avoid that I got evicted, I asked that lady from the Red Cross.
She also got the ball rolling that I got a carer.
And then it was one thing after the other.
A judge came in to assess my situation, then a psychiatrist came in to assess my situation, (and man, was he weird. He never listened to me telling him I have an Asperger diagnosis. He came in on a Saturday morning without having asked for an appointment first, and when I received him he held out his hand for greeting. I never took his hand. I sure hate shaking hands, but I have grown up around people who expect it, so I do it. But psychiatrists are rats, they offer people who - usually seek - an Asperger diagnosis their hand, and when they take it and shake it, the psychiatrists claim they cannot have Aspergers, because they have shaken the hand. So I just wanted to avoid that. But in the end his diagnosis was that I have a personality disorder, because I didn't shake his hand. (Well, and of course more. Just being short here.).). And after all the assessing then I had that carer who came in to get my situation fixed. But she was no good at fixing, so I told the judge to appoint my sister, like we had had plans ever since I had the definite hunch that I have Asperger's.
Okay. In the end my sister is now my carer. She too came in several times, to get a start on getting my mail sorted out.
And then also the most terrible thing happened. My sweet Kassi, my love, my cat, nearly died. She had caught an infection probably in her lungs, and I had to rush her to the hospital. She was terribly ill for some weeks, and I had to see the doctor with her on quite a regular basis.
She is way better by now, but still not completely well. But I have good hopes that she will eventually get over it.
Well, and last sister got a start on getting my apartment sorted out.
I still had a lot of stuff from my children, and I just simply didn't have enough space to put my things away. My kitchen was just two wall cabinets, and two drawers. All from back 1960. Whenever I put a plate into the wall cabinet, I feared it would come crashing down. The particle board it was made of was all crumbly and brittle, the glue that was holding the particles long since dried out.
So, my sister bought a brand new kitchen for me!
That has been my dream ever since.
All my adult life.
I have so often gone to furniture websites, and just dreamed about something good.
Something where everything has its space. Something with a spinny thing for pots and pans in the corner cupboard. Something adult.
And now I have it.
It's so beautiful.
But well, it had to be installed.
Sister has ditched all her free time to do that. And on three weekends her husband too.
I truly truly appreciate it.
But well. I usually am just by myself, or rather, it's just my Kassi and me.
Having visitors is spaced by years.
It is not entirely unheard of that I have a visitor. But I need my time to recover after that.
And I had to discover that one week is not enough..
When my sister was here the third weekend, I started to cry, around three in the afternoon, and just couldn't stop anymore.
I had felt the urge, as well as a slight sickness to my stomach the second weekend already, but had managed to come through without embarrassing myself.
So, after I had started to cry, the shape I was in started to go down a steep slope.
That day I couldn't even say good bye to sister and her daughter. I sat in a dark room, going into hyperventilation every time sister or niece would talk to me.
After they had left, I crawled into my bed, and pretty much slept all evening.
And I slept through the following week.
I had gone into overload.
And all week, when I had to go out, do my shopping, I was pretty much out of all sorts.
I was hyperventilating as soon as I was out of my home or my car, and speaking was just barely possible. I could not synchronize my gasping with my talking, and so it came out in short, gasped syllables. But I also was terribly flustered, and so repeated many syllables too.
I warned sister how I was, but still she was pretty dismayed when she and her husband came next weekend.
That weekend I holed up in my room all along. I couldn't stand looking at my sister, or have her look at me. Not because I was embarrassed, but because it hurt. It was a physical pain.
I was a mess all week.
I have a card I have on a strap around my neck, that says I am autistic. That saved me these past weeks. Usually when I was in overload phases, before I knew I have Asperger's, I invariably would get into fights with people, who couldn't make anything of my acting weird.
But now I received a tremendous lot of help.
People read my card, and didn't come too close to me. Or they would listen patiently through my stuttering. In the shops the clerks helped me, when I was too befuddled to find my stuff. They even saw that I didn't have to line up in long queues, and also saw that other shoppers wouldn't step up too close behind me.
On Friday it turned out that it was best to skip the next weekend, and that was good.
Having two weeks to just myself, I calmed down enough to have my speech even out again.
I still get a bit flustered when I have to talk to people, and I still have slight tremors in my breathing. But I mostly am okay again.
We only had one more weekend, last weekend, where we finished up the essentials. The cupboards had all been in, and only the counter top had to be installed.
Sister saw that it was no good doing it all in one big bundle, and said the rest that still needs be done can wait until next spring.
They packed up, and left afer only three hours in the early afternoon.
Again, like every day, I crawled into my bed, ready to rest the stress away, when one last incident hit.
I had felt that slight sickness to my stomach all weekends.
Now I was entrenched behind my computer, and wondered what it was with my stomach.
Did I really feel sick?
Should I go and stick my finger into my throat, to get rid of that weird feeling?
Dunno. Was I really feeling sick enough for that?
And while I still wondered if I really was sick, my stomach just simply shot all the softdrink I just had up in quite a violent fashion.
I never saw it coming, and barely had the time to get my hand clamped down on my mouth.
Softdrink and bitty pills came spewing out from under my fingers, and there was no other way than just letting go there in my bed.
Then I knew that I actually was sick to my stomach.
    But that was it. That was the last weird thing.
I am coming out of it.
I do sleep a lot. Half of the day.
That is a common reaction to overload. I had that happen all my life.
What is not common is the stuttering.
But I have gone a whole lot longer this time.
Usually, before I knew about Asperger's, I would have gone into meltdown probably after the third weekend. I usually would have reduced the pressure by yelling and screaming.
This time I did a lot of buzzing, or humming. Don't know how to explain. Every time I exhaled, I would do so on a "Hmmmmmm".
I constantly hmmmed when I felt stress.
That let go of the pressure, and it also was soothing.
Plus, I would rock myself.
I did the things I had always felt were soothing, but would have never allowed myself to do. - Rocking myself, like some nut from an asylum or what!
I had fears all my adult life that something was seriously wrong with myself. So I constantly saw that I was not acting seriously wrong.
By doing so, allowing myself to soothe myself, I came through the experience quite okay.
By now I have can just simply enjoy my beatiful new kitchen.
I know that I can be just by myself, and of course with my Kassi, until next spring.
I will be able to enjoy Christmas.

This year has been a good year.

The next can come.
I wonder what it will bring, without being scared to death by all the possibilities